State of Anhedonia

 

State of Anhedonia- Very Simply, Without Pleasure

Yesterday was world mental health day and for once, I probably want to come really clean not that I owe it to anyone.

Since January, I have considered walking towards the light one too many times.

I think to myself every other night how people would react when the get the news.

What happens to Ade-mi, how would they take it? 

What about T?, would it be the thing that finally breaks her, or even the other Ts, or F or J or P and M?.

What about the Supers? Would they move on like they did after ma? Would they finally grieve together? or pretend to be strong and fight it individually for another 12 years?

Every day I ask myself if I am truly happy, if I know what it means to even be that?

I dream about walking towards what I hope is a calming light, a place where I do not have to be so strong, a place that I hope exudes the best type of peace.

Yes, it is death that I think about often

I wonder if people see it when they stare into my eyes

I wonder if beneath all that ambition, they see the fragile soul

I wonder if the quest to always do something is a tiny cry for help?

Now, lol don’t start feeling sorry for me or start thinking of the words of encouragement to send

I’m not depressed, I am in a state of anhedonia actually.

I sometimes think about my many life choices, the part of myself that the different sect of my circle don’t know exist

I think of that 13year old kid who walked through the dark street on that night

I think of that 14year old kid who went knocking on that door herself

Yes, I am doing it again, hiding myself behind my words

Sigh, I truly wonder if love is enough to fix it 

I wonder if I am truly capable of loving

If I could let that child that is stuck in the corner out?

I wonder if I have ever been myself?

If I truly love myself, if I am actually disciplined or just a well-crafted pretender

So maybe walking towards ain’t such a bad idea but if there is one thing I am most certain about, it is that I am never selfish, I think too much about those beautiful people to approach that light

It is definitely tempting, I mean I may get to see W and M much faster but I would wait will the light catches up with me itself

But maybe I wish people didn’t assume I was also okay, maybe I crave depth with people or I am just too comfortable with dragging myself through it all

I do have loved ones, I mean after a crazy ass year, I found D

But maybe I am scared that the version they love is not all that there was and is

I do crave the light a lot and well, this is me.

I don’t know what I intended to say or explain all of this but sometimes sharing isn’t so bad and I am just trying that.

All my love, Eunice❤️

Inspired by T💕

Picture Credit: Los Angeles Times

Cc: Black_Christian

Babatunde Eunice 2023